It Gets Better, by Cyndi
Apr. 30th, 2014 10:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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calufraxTitle: It Gets Better
Author: Cyndi
Rating: Teen
Word Count: 14290
Author's Summary: The Doctor stops a bullied teen from committing suicide.
Characters/Pairings: Eleventh Doctor, original companion
Warnings: Swearing (also as the recc-er, I will add a warning for descriptions of pretty extreme bullying and suicidal thoughts and actions, taken from true events in the author's past, so beware if that is triggering.)
Recc'ed Because: It's a stark story that makes me hate how cruel high schoolers can be, but also amazes me at how resilient, brave, creative, and generous the author is, and how she has used the hurt from her past to help others. It's a story that strikes a chord in too many people, I fear. It's also an unabashed "self insert" story, told in first person POV, that might make readers skip past it on first glance. But while it might be a bit rough around the academic literary edges, it is more important than that. Because it manages to transcend those humble trappings to tell a story that is both deeply personal and difficult to read in parts, but also wonderfully creative and ultimately affirming. More than that, it actually *works* as a Doctor Who story. Eleven is perfectly in character, and the adventure that he and the companion Cyndi embark on is both a proper space opera, and a metaphor for Cyndi's need to find something positive about herself that she can hold on to, how frightening and hard that is to do, and the lifesaving power that it holds, for Cyndi to have faith in herself and know she matters in the universe even if the rest of her schoolmates will never, ever see it.
It makes me desperately wish there was a Doctor and a TARDIS out there for everyone who's faced bullying like Cyndi did, and well, this story is the next best thing :) I've never met the author, and yet I am immensely proud of her, and so glad she made it through, as the world is definitely a better place with her in it. The more people this story reaches, the better.
I'm going to cut and paste the author's note here, because she says it better than I could:This is a self insert because I'm not going to pretend it isn't, and this semi-autobiographical story is about surviving bullying. The incidents I describe did actually happen to me(sans the Doctor, of course!). Names, occasional times of day and places are changed to preserve privacy, and for clarity's sake I gave made-up names to people whose names I forgot.
I've long since forgiven the people who did these things, but it took me almost two decades to reach that point.
This fic is dedicated to anyone who has been or is being bullied right now. I'm thirty three years old, and I almost committed suicide because of severe bullying back in the 1990's. "Bullycide" is not a new thing, but it is worse because of the internet. And if people are going to use the internet to hurt, then I'm going to use it to heal!
I hope this story reaches out to anyone thinking of suicide or self harm. I've been there, and I want you to realize you're not alone. It gets better, so hold on. You're going to make it through this. I care about you because YOU MATTER!
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The tears I held back found freedom as I wrote my name, address and home phone number on a piece of notebook paper. I wrote that nobody cared about me, so I was taking myself out of the world because I was tired of everybody hating me. I signed my signature, crumpled up the note and tossed it to my left, not caring where it landed. Not like anybody would find it anyway.
With that settled, I unsealed the Pepsi bottle and began systemically freeing the Benadryl capsules from two of their blister packs. I figured a dose that big would kill someone small like me pretty fast. The pile of pink and white capsules on my palm were accusing eyes staring into my soul.
Even my own death jeered me.
Cold wind blew through the pipe. My wet head started to ache.
"God," I whispered, "If you don't want me up there, make me spit these pills out."
Taking a deep breath, I palmed the capsules and unscrewed the lid off the Pepsi bottle.
"Oy! Spit those out!"
----------
Author: Cyndi
Rating: Teen
Word Count: 14290
Author's Summary: The Doctor stops a bullied teen from committing suicide.
Characters/Pairings: Eleventh Doctor, original companion
Warnings: Swearing (also as the recc-er, I will add a warning for descriptions of pretty extreme bullying and suicidal thoughts and actions, taken from true events in the author's past, so beware if that is triggering.)
Recc'ed Because: It's a stark story that makes me hate how cruel high schoolers can be, but also amazes me at how resilient, brave, creative, and generous the author is, and how she has used the hurt from her past to help others. It's a story that strikes a chord in too many people, I fear. It's also an unabashed "self insert" story, told in first person POV, that might make readers skip past it on first glance. But while it might be a bit rough around the academic literary edges, it is more important than that. Because it manages to transcend those humble trappings to tell a story that is both deeply personal and difficult to read in parts, but also wonderfully creative and ultimately affirming. More than that, it actually *works* as a Doctor Who story. Eleven is perfectly in character, and the adventure that he and the companion Cyndi embark on is both a proper space opera, and a metaphor for Cyndi's need to find something positive about herself that she can hold on to, how frightening and hard that is to do, and the lifesaving power that it holds, for Cyndi to have faith in herself and know she matters in the universe even if the rest of her schoolmates will never, ever see it.
It makes me desperately wish there was a Doctor and a TARDIS out there for everyone who's faced bullying like Cyndi did, and well, this story is the next best thing :) I've never met the author, and yet I am immensely proud of her, and so glad she made it through, as the world is definitely a better place with her in it. The more people this story reaches, the better.
I'm going to cut and paste the author's note here, because she says it better than I could:
I've long since forgiven the people who did these things, but it took me almost two decades to reach that point.
This fic is dedicated to anyone who has been or is being bullied right now. I'm thirty three years old, and I almost committed suicide because of severe bullying back in the 1990's. "Bullycide" is not a new thing, but it is worse because of the internet. And if people are going to use the internet to hurt, then I'm going to use it to heal!
I hope this story reaches out to anyone thinking of suicide or self harm. I've been there, and I want you to realize you're not alone. It gets better, so hold on. You're going to make it through this. I care about you because YOU MATTER!
----------
The tears I held back found freedom as I wrote my name, address and home phone number on a piece of notebook paper. I wrote that nobody cared about me, so I was taking myself out of the world because I was tired of everybody hating me. I signed my signature, crumpled up the note and tossed it to my left, not caring where it landed. Not like anybody would find it anyway.
With that settled, I unsealed the Pepsi bottle and began systemically freeing the Benadryl capsules from two of their blister packs. I figured a dose that big would kill someone small like me pretty fast. The pile of pink and white capsules on my palm were accusing eyes staring into my soul.
Even my own death jeered me.
Cold wind blew through the pipe. My wet head started to ache.
"God," I whispered, "If you don't want me up there, make me spit these pills out."
Taking a deep breath, I palmed the capsules and unscrewed the lid off the Pepsi bottle.
"Oy! Spit those out!"
----------
no subject
Date: 2014-05-01 05:39 am (UTC)Thank you. You are incredible.
no subject
Date: 2014-05-01 05:26 pm (UTC)*HUGS YOU HARD*
no subject
Date: 2014-05-01 06:11 pm (UTC)Btw, the AFBV message is a real thing: http://tiny.cc/afbv :)
It's made very basic on purpose to make it easily printable or copy/pasted.
High school was a dark and awful time, but I think the bullying today is so much worse because now somebody can video it on their phone and stick it online to add to the ridicule. Now people can't even go home to escape it. Well, like I said in my note: people use the internet to hurt, so that means I can use it to heal.
I really appreciate the responses I'm getting. I hope you have a wonderful day.
no subject
Date: 2014-05-01 07:19 pm (UTC)I hope your day is radiant as well!
*DANCES*
no subject
Date: 2014-05-01 07:25 pm (UTC)I read this story back when it was first posted but I didn't comment on it then and forgot to put it into my favorites... though when my recc-ing turn came around I knew I wanted to recc it but had forgotten both the title and the author! So I searched Teaspoon for the keyword "bullying" and I was so glad I found it again. That was me who left the first note last night with the link to my review over here. It was either that or copy/paste everything I said in both places :) I also wanted to say that I really liked the Harmonicans with their singing names, and the way that the story shows how the universe is indeed big enough for everyone to find their niche. Maybe not on another planet, but one of the good things about the Internet is its ability to connect people who otherwise would feel isolated. As you said, use it to heal, not hurt.
I also checked out your afbv site and I really admire you for your heart and strength and faith. You are passing it forward and doing wonderful things :)
no subject
Date: 2014-05-01 08:16 pm (UTC)The Harmonican names were actually the hardest thing to make up. The city got its name because that's what happened to come on when I was trying to think of something musical, LOL! Allellullilla is based off the word alleluia. You only see her female name, but I kind of imagined the women having flowy names like Owawo or Ehahihohe-- syllables you can easily sing legato. The men have percussive names like Dodadedi and Yayeyiyo, which have a cadence like Native American drums and chants when I say/sing them. (I went nuts and had fun!)
All I can say is if this story helps someone change their mind about ending it, then everything I went through was worth it. I try to live like Optimus Prime and not just say things, but DO them. I stood up in front of my church and sang a very small solo this recent Christmas. This is after a choir teacher in high school humiliated me so bad I almost quit singing altogether. This whole week leading up to it was full of panic attacks and crying fits, but I refused to back out. I faced my absolute worst fear almost 20 years after the high school incident and won. I did it to prove to myself that I CAN do it, and I wanted to show people going through what I did that they can also stand up to their fears and succeed. Here's THAT video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gw9NeOdmYSM
It was worth it and I don't regret it. :)
Thanks again!
no subject
Date: 2014-05-01 11:12 pm (UTC)I have terrible stage fright and was always a "sing with the masses" person when I sang with choir in high school and college. I was what you might call a "solid soprano II". My friend convinced me one summer in college to try out for an a cappella group and I was such a WRECK trying out for them; they all seemed so put together and IDK, "theater-y", and I was so scared trying out that I was trembling all over and they had to sing along with me in the audition. but I made it! I mostly sang backup and blending stuff, but one of the coolest (and scariest!) things I did was that I got to sing the high background notes to Heart and Soul by T'Pau: it was one of those acappella groups like on 'the sing-off', so all of the parts including the opening sythesizer notes were remade for voice, and that was me. So somewhere I have this CD (I really wish I could find it) of our performance and for that song, just at the beginning, it's me who comes in and basically keeps the rest of the parts in tune. It was nerve-wracking but somewhere out there is audio proof that I did it! :D
Anyway, that was an aside; but I wanted to say I loved your Harmonican names because they reminded me a little bit of some of the warmups we used to do in choir. Our director in college had us sing a four-part "A-le-lu-i-a" at the end of every warmup, that went through the major chord progressions at each syllable. I always loved when we nailed that and just filled the room with sound so you could hear the overtones and everything.
no subject
Date: 2014-05-02 01:39 am (UTC)That music vid you showed is so pretty. Isn't it so cool to do something you didn't think you could do? :D To stand before your fear and say "NOT TONIGHT!" and knock it down is as cool as bow ties.
Glad you loved the Harmonican names. They were fun and they do kind of sound like warm up syllables. My director likes to have us do chord warmups too. When we lock it in, omgggggg, eargasm. :)
no subject
Date: 2014-05-01 05:25 pm (UTC)Thank you for reccing this, lovie...